Broken and Healed by Grace
by BlackWingsandaTrenchCoat
Summary: So Dean and Cas are both feeling a little broken. There are things that Cas didn't say, and others that Dean didn't say - but that Cas is aware of. I'm using song lyrics for inspiration on the chapters.


**This is not my first fanfiction, and after totally losing my momentum on my POTO fic that I was writing last year, I am working on chapters with moods and themes from a song this time around. There is Destiel here, and a lot of working through feelings and trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm working on the tags that I want to include, and I think there will be several that come up as I work through the chapters. No specific warnings other than the rating, and I don't like to do main character death.**

 **The song lyrics come from Leonard Cohen and his song "Hallelujah", performed by Jeff Buckley. I am also going to use some of the not-so-often-heard verses.**

 **I own nothing but my own thoughts and words.**

Well I've heard there was a secret chord…  
That David played and it pleased the Lord…

Dean flopped hard on his bed in the bunker. He and Sam had just gotten back from a bloodbath of a vamp nest, and Sam was furious. Dean's bag was open by the door, .and he He didn't have the energy to care about how it was going to end up strewn everywhere when Sam came through the door in a matter of minutes, wanting to know what was on his older brother's mind. _Maybe if I get my headphones on and look like I'm sleeping, he will leave me alone long enough to figure some shit out._ Just as Dean worked to move himself, Sam entered his room, kicked the bag that was in the doorway, and let loose a tirade that Sam felt was more than deserving .

"What the fuck man? I haven't seen you get that strung out that fast since you had the mark! You wiped them all out, even the innocent ones that were just turned. You didn't even bother asking. Not all of them had to die. What in the hell got you so angry?"

Dean looked up and glared at his brother "I don't fucking know, Sammy. I killed the one I knew we were after, and just went offline. I didn't give a shit what I hit or why, I just wanted them all dead."

Dean jumped from the bed, not knowing if he wanted to just move Sam out of his way so he could get some target practice in before cleaning the guns,shoot in the range, deck Sam, or just go take his anger out on something in the gym. He felt like he was pulled wound so tight, that he was going to snap any minute. Sam didn't know what happened before they went after the vamps in Wisconsin, but he did start something in motion that ended up hurting his brother too deeply. Dean was too pissed to tell him right now, and he didn't think Sam even cared.

 _What the hell did they think was going to happen? I know Sam knows what was going to happen. He didn't think it would happen that fast, but he's the one that started this shit. I know he just wants to hear it from me so he can do whatever kind of analysis he thinks needs to be done._

*48 Hours before the hunt*

Dean was riding high on what he remembered of his dream. He had been having them for a while, and had accepted a while ago that attraction was attraction, and that Cas was damned attractive. What he didn't know is that Cas could see hissaw his dreams, and heard his thoughts… often. While Cas didn't tell Dean what he knew about the hunter, Cas confided in Sam so Cashe wouldn't feel as awkward.

. When Dean got up that morning, neither Cas nor Sam knew he was awake and about. Dean came down the hallway hearing the two voices low and hushed "Sam, I can't tell him. I understand the mechanics that he's dreaming about, but isn't he just attracted to women? He's going to reject me again if I tell him, and I can't take that. I pulled him from the pit and gave him my mark. I can't have another rejection like that again."

Sam took a deep breath and sighed, shaking his head. "And if you don't tell him and he finds out, it's going to go bad. Like, really bad. He doesn't tell us everything because he thinks he is protecting us from whatever emotions or dangers there are, but he expects us to be open and honest. Cas, you have to tell him that you hear his thoughts, and that you know his dreams. Did you ever explain to him that when you gave him your mark, it created a link between the two of you?the link that it gave the two of you when he had your mark?"

Cas shook his head. "No, Sam. I did not. I did not know how to explain it. I still am not sure how to put it all into words. His soul clung to me in hell, and I brought it back. It was glad to be out of that place, and it did not want me to leave." Cas looked up and wiped a tear away. "I knew it was possible that he may not accept any of it, but when I saw him in the barn, I knew then that he could not know anything of the bond."

Dean came around the corner, and made sure both men knew he was there by slamming a coffee mug on the counter. "Next time you want to gossip about me, let me in on it before you decide how I am going to react. Cas, we need to talk, NOW!" Dean turned and angrily stalked down the hall towards his room.

Cas looked back at Sam "What do I do Sam? He is going to demand that he knows everything we spoke of." Sam looked at Cas with incredible sympathy in his eyes, "You have to tell him everything. I will talk to him after, if he comes out of there is angry."

Cas walked into Dean's room, not realizing the hunter was behind the door until he heard it quietly click shut.

"Cas, I know you have a few things to tell me, but I need to get this out first. Don't you ever – EVER – presume to think that you know what I will say to you, or how I will react. Sam doesn't even know all of my facets, and he's my god-damned brother. I don't know what you are talking about with being rejected again, but as far as I know, I have never rejected you. You explained jack shit to me, and then went on to act like you knew it all. Why does your hand give us a bond? Why in the hell did you never tell me?" Dean's voice began to crack on the last question.,

, causing Cas to snapsnapped his head up and seeto look at the man that with whom he had a deep and profound connection. to him "Dean, You your soul gripped me in hell and would not let go. When I pulled you out, your soul clung to me as desperately as I held you. When I rebuilt and returned you to your body as it was in the ground, your soul did not want to leave me. I left my handprint on your arm as a mark that would forever connect your soul to me. It was so much deeper than I anticipated. When we first came together in the barn, you stabbed and shot me. That was the first rejection I had from you. I knew from that moment that you would never want that bond with me. You would never love me in the way that I loved you, but I would always have that connection to you. A connection letting me so that I would know that you were alive and well. When the connection would inevitably go black, I was ready to personally escort your soul personally to heaven."

Cas settled into a chair in the room, and took a deep breath. Looking at Dean's face, he saw an expression of confusion and annoyance, "Part of the bond that I have with your soul is that I can hear your strongest thoughts. Not necessarily your convictions, but your thoughts that have the strongest emotions and feelings attached to them. I can also hear and see your dreams."

Dean stormed forward to Cas, closing any space that was there before. Dean and Cas both licked their lips for a moment before Dean spoke, "And you never trusted me enough to tell me. I had to overhear you talking to my brother instead of me. You don't trust me, and now I can't trust you or Sam." Dean turned and opened his door "Get out. I can't deal with this right now. I need both you and Sam both in different ways, but I can't do this right now."

*Day Before the Hunt*

Dean had been bouncing around the bunker in anger, glaring at Cas or Sam when they would ty to approach him. Dean knew it was getting out of hand, but he still needed to figure out why the two would not trust him. He knew that his reaction was being over the top, and that Sam and Cas acted the way they did because they didn't want a breakdown to happen, but it looked like it was going down anyway. _I need to get out of here for a bit so I can clear my head._ That is when Sam came to Dean with the hunt for the vamp nest.

Unfortunately, That that is when Sam came to Dean with the hunt for the vamp nest.

*NOW*

After Dean picked everything up and had his clothes soaking to get rid of the blood, Dean he made his mental to-do list of things that needed to be done after the hunt, like making more dead man's bullets and getting the guns cleaned and serviced. After wearing Later, he wore himself out on the heavy bag in the gym and shooting the gunthen by going to the shooting range sguns so he could check the sights on the guns, . Even though he was exhausetedexhausted, Dean knew he couldn't avoid things anymore. It was time to talk to Sam, and figure out how to mend the wounded heart and feelings of his best friend. Dean wasn't afraid of either of them not accepting how he was beginning to feel for Cas. They would be accepting regardless because all that either man wanted was for Dean to be happy.

As Dean had planned, he found Sam first. "Sammy, c'mere and bring us some beer. I need to talk with you man."

Sam looked up, puzzled at what Dean was doing. "Ok. Give me a minute to wrap this up and I will be there." Sam finished up what he was typing on his laptop, grabbed a 6 pack, and followed Dean to the garage.

Dean popped the caps off two bottles, handed one to Sam, and gestured for his brother to take a seat. "Sammy, I know you and Cas have been talking about this bond thing that he and I have. I get that Cas was worried, but it seems like you guys didn't want to trust me with what was going on with my own mind. I hate that, and I think that is a huge reason as to why I'm so pissed. I still have feel left over rage from the Mark of Cain. I still can tap into that when I feel like I need to, but there are still times that I can't control it. This was one of those I think. I know it got bad. I need you and Cas on the same page with me." Dean paused, took a long drink and a deep breath, "Sammy, what do I need to do so I can get Cas back to where he wants us to be?" Sam took a deep breath and thought hard, he wanted to tell Dean what he told everyone else that had ever asked him the same question – about being yourself, make sure you speak clearly and don't beat around the bush, be honest, and if all else fails, kiss the person in question. Sam wasn't sur he wanted to know about if the last part worked out or not, so he went with something a little easier on his sanity "Dean, be yourself. Do something that you know will get his attention, but can also be soothing to you. Speak to him softly, like a normal conversation where you aren't trying to rip his head from his body. And on top of all of it, you have got to be honest with him and yourself man. You can't do this without at least the honesty." "Sammy, what do I need to do so I can get Cas back to where he wants us to be?"

Dean took what his brother said to heart – be honest, be soft spoken and be yourself. Dean picked his guitar up, and started strumming a couple of songs that were written in Enochian that he had found online and asked Sam to translate. Dean didn't want to sing yet, only play his guitar so he could begin to ease tension in himself.

Cas heard the strumming and the a tune that he hadn't heard in centuries. _I know that song. I have heard it sung to soldiers and the dying, and it is also hummed to soothe fledglings and children._ Cas opened his connection a little, and was floored by the thoughts he found in Dean's soul. _Dean misses me? He rejected me before, but now he doesn't want to let go? He doesn't know what he asks, although the his soul understands. I can't continue to be hurt, I must make sure his mind understands and can follow what his soul feels a need for._ Cas walked into Dean's room, and almost cried at what he saw. Dean – strumming his guitar – tears in his eyes as his soul called out to Cas for companionship.


End file.
